Health •
Zurich Bankers Trade Insomnia Tips Like Derivatives
By Syed John
Sleep-deprived analysts created a marketplace for well-proven hacks.
Swiss bankers obsess over sleep more than LIBOR now. There's a private Slack where analysts auction insomnia hacks—hotel blackout blind recommendations, weighted blanket reviews, binaural beat playlists. They literally bid in francs for the best tip sheets.
Management tolerates it because well-rested analysts make fewer billion-dollar mistakes. Wellness stipends now reimburse red-light headlamps. The irony is rich: to survive finance, you need a quantified bedtime routine curated like an ETF.
Maybe capitalism will finally slow down once the sleep market hits unicorn status. Until then, I'll sell my chai recipe as a sedative derivative.